So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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