I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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