Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm too high and old for this...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
