Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think people are normalizing furries
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
