She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
