I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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