I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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