she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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