I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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