The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
