you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
