My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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