my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
