so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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