for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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