Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
