yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
