Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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