You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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