She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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