Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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