i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
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