I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
