new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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