Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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