last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
