fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
