I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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