Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
