Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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