I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
