I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize