a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
