Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
