Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
