I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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