I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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