The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
