Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
