They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
