i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
