If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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