Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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