I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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