I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
