if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
