Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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