There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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