I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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