One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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