What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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