I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
