i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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