this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
