your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
