I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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