I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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