He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
