Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
