I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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