The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
