I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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