thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
