I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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