On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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