I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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