hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We left an ass print on the piano.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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