I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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