i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
