My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im six kinds of drunk right now
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
