I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
